It’s Not Supposed to Happen This Way

For the past couple of years, I've been facilitating a monthly father's support group for the Asperger Autism Network or AANE. The group is one of the high points of every month for me. Not only does the group put the lie to a fairly common view of dads as clueless troglodytes, at least as it pertains to their kids' emotional well being, it's helped me gain a broader, deeper perspective on parenting during this period of well documented challenges. 

Before my most recent session with the dads, I received an email from the AANE office, requesting that I share some information with the group about a new scholarship program available for high school seniors on the autism spectrum. When I read the email more closely, I was shocked to see that the name of the scholarship is the Ben Kessel Memorial Fund. One of our first clients here at Academy MetroWest was named Ben Kessel and, as I read further, I noticed more and more familiar facts. That sent me directly to Google where I learned about the tragic rock climbing accident that took Ben's life in September of 2020. Despite not having communicated with anyone in Ben's family for nearly 20 years, I quickly contacted his mother, Irene, to offer my condolences and to ask permission to share my experiences and reminiscences of Ben with my fathers group. Irene responded quickly and said that anything that helps keep Ben's memory alive was ok with her. 

In the short time since I learned of Ben's passing, I've gone through a number of different emotions. Primarily, it's been sadness. Even though Ben was 34 when he died, I hadn't seen him since he was a young teenager. In my old brain, alumni of this program age in a way very similar to Bart Simpson - namely, not at all. Ben may have been a young man approaching middle age when he died but my image of him froze when he was an adolescent. I think we can agree that 34 is way too young to die and, if that's the case, then dying as a teenager is completely out of the question. It's just not supposed to happen that way. And, while I always knew this on an intellectual level, now that I'm a parent myself, I feel it deep down - I just can't imagine anything worse than losing a child. My heart goes out to Irene and the whole family. 

On the other hand, in reading Ben's obituary, I learned a lot about his post teenage years and the path he followed. When Ben was a client at Academy MetroWest, I think it's pretty safe to say that his future success and happiness were by no means inevitable. While he was obviously a very bright, creative, and athletic kid, Ben also had a quick temper and could be aggressive towards his peers. How wonderful it was to learn that Ben had earned his bachelor's degree from University of the Pacific, his master's degree from Stanford, and went on to have a very successful career as an engineer for a biotech company. He was a rock climber who, prior to his accident, climbed all over the world. 

The scholarship fund that Irene created in Ben's name seeks to award funds to high school seniors on the autism spectrum who are hoping to enroll in a 4 year college to pursue a STEM related field aimed at helping combat climate change and preserve the environment. If you know of anyone interested, this year's application deadline is May 8th. Applications can be accessed and donations can be made on the scholarship's website.

Rest in Peace, Ben.