The Kids are (Mostly) Alright (I Think)

There would be uncertainty about how long the quarantine and sickness would continue. There would be questions and fear about the virus' effects on people around them. There would be uncertainty about what their day to day existence would be like. There would be lingering worries about kids getting sick themselves. On top of those worries come the day to day anxieties associated with seemingly little things like the dread that comes with the prospect of your mom becoming your barber or your family running out of toilet paper. I thought all these changes and fears would lead to inevitable, large scale crashing and burning among these vulnerable populations. Kids and adolescents with neurodevelopmental issues, often referred to as quirky kids, are our stock in trade at Academy MetroWest. My hunch was that as we began to ramp up our remote services, we'd begin to see a lot of kids struggling to manage these nervous times. 

Well, as I write this, it's been a month since we've worked in person with anyone and I'm happy to report that, based upon our very unscientific observations, my fears were exaggerated. In fact, the kids we're seeing have, for the most part, handled the ongoing seismic changes in our day to day realities at least as well and, in many cases, better than adults have. And, it's quite possible that they're doing a better job managing to stay happy during the quarantine than their neurotypical peers are. 

On what basis do I make such a claim? For the past two weeks (and counting), Academy MetroWest has shifted from being a gym-based program that uses (live and in-person) cooperative physical activity as its therapeutic focus to a Zoom-based practice that uses shared screens, interactive computer games, and whatever other tricks we can think of in order to maintain connections with our kids and provide a consistent social outlet for them. We begin each session with a check-in, asking group members how they've been holding up during "The Hunkering" and what they make of all the changes to their lives and their societies. So far, with few exceptions, the responses have centered on "It's great! I don't have to go to school!" to "I love it! I get to stay home and play video games all day!" My favorite observation so far was from a 5th grader who chimed in with "Well, it certainly is out of the ordinary!" Sure. In the same way you could classify a blue whale as being, say, "plus-sized," you could classify these days as "out of the ordinary." 

For kids with neurodevelopmental issues, think of all the regular sources of anxiety in their lives that, for all intents and purposes, have temporarily vanished. No more transitions. No more pressure to socialize and fit in. No more time-sensitive academic demands. No more loud, chaotic, unstructured periods like lunch and recess. Parents may hyperfocus on the news, social media, and the demands of a newly virtual work environment. Neurotypical kids may get bored and start missing their friends. Our kids? They're living the dream! Staying home where they feel safe, contained, and in their comfort zone is just where so many of them want to be. 

Of course, not all kids - not even all quirky kids - have been able to take everything in stride. We've had kids miss sessions because the thought of spending even more time on a Zoom session after spending hours on them for school, was too much to bear. We've had parents expressing exasperation at how high-maintenance their kids have been when they're home all day. We've also had a number of kids who just couldn't sit still and attend for long enough stretches to make Zoom sessions practical for them. And, like their neurotypical peers, we're seeing more and more kids start to complain about being bored, which is likely to become a bigger problem for kids and, in turn, their parents, as we spend more and more time isolating ourselves. And these are just the issues that have actually risen to the surface and become observable. 

Back in 2013, we ran a parent workshop about anxiety with the noted ABA Jessica Minahan. The most memorable part of her very compelling presentation was an illustration about anxiety she did using a soda can. She describes it here:

"Let’s use the analogy of a shaken soda can. Unless you see it happen, you have no way of knowing a soda can was shaken just by looking at it. You find out when you open the can and it explodes. The same thing is true with students who have anxiety-related behavior — many times, the student looks fine and then inexplicably explodes."

(If you're interested in reading a helpful piece she wrote about ASD and anxiety, click here.)

All this is not to say that every child is hiding a festering well of anxiety and angst lurking just beneath their calm, collected veneer. But, given the current state of things, it's well within the realm of possibility, right? So what's a parent to do? 

Unfortunately, there is no definitive answer to that question that fits everyone's needs. What I can and do suggest is that parents really tune in to their kids and adjust their daily structure and expectations accordingly. Watch what they do. Listen to what they say. Are there parts of the daily routine that are particularly tough for your kids? Are there aspects of their days in which they really seem to shine? Are they starting to show some  behaviors that often mask anxiety? Answers to these questions are going to vary tremendously from one child to another and, in turn, so should parents' responses. Are they crying out for a more structured day? Are they chafing under the weight of too much structure? The bad news is that parents have to arrive at their own answers to these questions for awhile. But there's good news too. While aspects of this quarantine are unprecedented and frightening, others are familiar. Whether you know it or not, you already possess the tools you need to make it through this thing with both your kids and yourself intact. No one knows your kids better than you do. No one loves your kids more than you do. There are countless resources available online to help guide your thinking and decisions. And most importantly, this, too shall pass. One day, we'll be interacting in person with each other again, hopefully with a newfound appreciation of just how meaningful and important that is. In the meantime, do your best. What else can you do?