Preventing Social Atrophy
Now that we’re well into our 9th month of the pandemic, I’ve been noticing a growing phenomenon among many of the kids I know. I’ve seen an emerging reluctance among children to reach out to their friends and an even greater reluctance to reach out to make new connections. Particularly as the weather gets colder and COVID numbers keep going up, social opportunities are, once again, becoming fewer and farther between. It takes a lot more effort to initiate social contact and, on top of that, most kids (and some adults for that matter) seem to view the payoff as being too small to justify that effort. For kids who have just finished sitting through hours of remote instruction at school, the prospect of taking initiative to set up a Zoom session with friends can be pretty unappealing. I’ve spoken to a number of parents who have told me that it’s been harder than ever to get their kids to do anything but hang out in their rooms and play video games by themselves. You could make the case that this will all be over at some point and when it does we’ll all go back to normal. My worry is that as kids remain isolated, their social skills and motivations will atrophy, making that return to normalcy more difficult.
For the kids we see at Academy MetroWest, many of whom come to us with a diagnosis of ADHD or autism, socializing can be a daunting prospect even in the best of circumstances. Many kids with challenges around social cognition have seen many of their efforts to make friends end in failure. As this pattern persists over the course of years, they tend to develop an expectation that further efforts will be met with further frustration so, in the end, it’s easier to just retreat. Now, with the additional effort involved in reaching out and the reduced rewards that accompany even the most successful efforts, the inertia that many of our kids feel is palpable.
This concern about social atrophy has led me and my staff to rethink our priorities in our therapeutic work. This year, to a greater extent than ever before, skill building has taken a decidedly secondary role in the work we’ve been doing while community building has really come to the fore.
In the past, I’ve looked at groups that focus on community building as being primarily for the adolescents in our caseload. For many of them, even if they’ve progressed in their ability to read and respond to cues or to present themselves to their peers in a positive light, socializing is a pursuit that may not come easily or intuitively. Their groups become something of an oasis (Remember that word. It’s going to pop up again). When they’re with their groups, they’re among kindred spirits who understand them, support them, and whose only expectation for them is that they be themselves and treat other group members respectfully. Over time, that message of acceptance can take hold and they develop a thoroughly ingrained feeling self-worth and resilience.
This year, we’ve been structuring groups with kids of all ages in ways that emphasize the formation and maintenance of those therapeutic communities. In doing so, we’ve been trying to implicitly drive home the message that taking the necessary steps to reach out and connect with peers is as important as ever and is worth all the effort that goes along with it.
While my thinking was moving in this direction anyway, a recent burst of communication with my old friend Steve Gross accelerated the process for me and provided me with a more detailed and structured framework for thinking about community building. I worked with Steve extensively during the late 80’s and throughout the 90’s in a couple of capacities. He and I came up together as young staff members at the Academy of Physical and Social Development in Newton. While we were there, Steve founded an organization called Project Joy. Project Joy’s initial aim was to run groups that employed the same approach to physical play that we used in Academy groups but with a population consisting of homeless preschoolers and toddlers. I helped write the mission statement and ran groups with Project Joy for about 10 years. Over the years, the organization grew and was eventually taken in by their primary benefactors, the Life is Good company. Now known as the Life is Good Playmakers, they have expanded their mission to provide training and services to caregivers around the world with a focus on helping kids deal with the effects of trauma and toxic stress.
Steve Gross, Chief Playmaker, Life is Good Playmakers
Steve is one of those dear friends who I may not see more than once or twice a year but it doesn’t matter. We just pick up where we left off. A few months ago he reached out to me to ask me what I thought of a promotional video they had put together. I have to admit that I really didn’t like it. It had a tone that I saw as being a little “Hallmark-y” and it's relentless optimism struck me as tone deaf during a pandemic. We got into a constructive back and forth about messaging and branding that eventually shifted to topics like the nature of therapeutic mechanisms and change. Steve was generous enough to share a link to an online training that The Playmakers put together that serves as a general introduction to their model. While I still have some quibbles with their tone, the substance of the training was really valuable and it got me thinking about the nature of the groups we’ve been running lately.
In particular, one stretch of the training not only poked at my curmudgeonly (according to Steve) views of their branding, but also reminded me why I’ve always thought so highly of Steve and his work. This was the section devoted to a concept that they call “O’Playsis,” which is a combination of the words play and oasis. Although I still find it corny, Steve defied me to come up with a better one and I haven’t been able to do it. Yet. I’m working on it though.
In essence, what the Playmakers call O’Playsis is very similar to the supportive, therapeutic communities we’ve been working so hard to establish this year. The premise behind it is that when people experience trauma, they often become stuck on that traumatic event, making it nearly impossible to engage in the present, particularly in social contexts. An O’Playsis is “a safe, loving, joyful, and engaging environment” in which kids can find a respite from the difficulties and stresses that come with that trauma in order to become more fully engaged in the present. It's certainly not a huge stretch to say that all of us have been living through something akin to trauma this year and that's probably why I've found this concept so compelling.
According to the Playmakers, an O’Playsis has to consist of 4 components: 1) A sense of internal control centered on the idea that kids’ ideas, feelings, and opinions matter, 2) Joyfulness or a sense of enduring positivity regardless of the circumstances, 3) Social Connection or the feeling that you’re part of a community or a tribe, and 4) Active Engagement or the ability to just be a kid and be focused on the here and now. These concepts have been big parts of our thinking at Academy MetroWest for a long time but this year, every single one of them has taken on more importance than ever before. While it’s impossible to say that one of them is more or less vital than the others, it’s worth noting that I’ve heard more than one parent express to me how grateful they are that their kids have “found their tribe” in one of our groups this year. I’m hopeful that this “tribal membership” will serve as a reminder to kids during a year marked by struggle and isolation that connecting and having fun with other kids is what it’s all about. Personally, I’ve been enjoying the groups I run more than I have in years and I suspect that my clients aren’t the only ones benefitting from all this. In the back of my mind, I can hear Steve saying “I told you so” but as we approach Thanksgiving, I want to share my gratitude with him for helping to clarify my thoughts and to my clients for allowing me and my staff to enjoy our own special O’Playsis. Someday, all this craziness will come to an end and I’m hopeful that all of us, kids and adults, will have the motivation and wherewithal to continue reaching out and connecting in enriching and meaningful ways.
Bruce,
I hope you are managing personally and professionally during these challenging times
Thanks for your thoughtful insights about professionally facilitated groups and their role in healing. My love of groups for healing goes back since I began practicing social work , back in the day. I continue to facilitate a fthers of kids with disabilities group. Recently I began running a current events for a Lifelong Learning group affiliated with a Temple in Wayland. I love working with bright, affluent highly opinionated retired folks during these challenging times. Zoom facilitating is a new skill set, for me.
Best,
Jerry S. Jacobs,LICSW
Hi Jerry-
As always, great to hear from you. I’ve been doing a monthly fathers group for AANE for the past year and a half or so. Like you, I thoroughly enjoy it. I haven’t seen too much of the “highly opinionated” stuff in the group but the dads have all been insightful and compassionate. Nice to see some men putting the lie to the stereotyped view of the oblivious dads we often see. AcMW is hanging in there. To try one analogy, I’d say that at the end of the summer, we were in the ICU in critical condition. Right now I’d say we’re fair but stable. Not ideal but, from a management standpoint, a significant step or two in the right direction. Please give my best to your family and happy Thanksgiving.
Bruce
I appreciate this article very much, believe me, the lack of motivation for socialization with my child is all too familiar.
However, I do want to point out that the current use of “found my tribe”, which is prevalent far beyond this article, is harmful to people who belong to actual tribes. I understand the absolute relief people mean when they say that phrase, but “found my people” conveys the same thing without unintentionally belittling the current, living actual tribes like Penobscot, Wampanoag ( who are in a long legal fight for federal recognitio despite having been here for thousands of years before this government), and Nipmuc, just to name a few tribes who are still very much here. Again, I realize the writer did not come up with the phrase, it is very common, but I wanted to share a different perspective,