Conversations About Race With Young, Concrete Thinkers

Children, Family, Parenting, Race

By Hope Notaro, M.A., LMHC

Academy MetroWest is primarily a social skills group program.  We run gym-based groups with children presenting with a range of diagnoses but most prevalently, ADHD and ASD.  Our program is centered on creating a safe and engaging group experience using non-competitive, cooperative play to help children develop their social awareness and find the joy and value in being socially engaged.  In order to help children develop their understanding of themselves as social beings and how they function in social settings, you often need to speak explicitly about topics or behaviors that are uncomfortable. As an organization that is practiced at discussing that which is uncomfortable and is aimed at enhancing the self esteem and the overall wellbeing of children, we believe we would be remiss if we did not acknowledge the recent deaths of black Americans at the hands of various police departments and the ensuing protests.

Image by Tyler Feder

Social media and news outlets are overflowing with words and images about topics that are quite uncomfortable for many people.  Today more than ever, our children are consuming unprecedented amounts of media and news coverage. Conversations are being raised about violence and reactions to violence in the complex arena of race, justice, law, and the limits (or lack thereof) of governmental power.  As a result of this, many (white in particular) families find themselves, perhaps for the first time, explicitly addressing the complex topic of race.  We have taken some time to think about and reflect on what we might add to the many conversations happening right now about race, racism and privilege in America and would like to focus on providing support and resources for you and your children. This piece is aimed at giving special consideration for the unique cognitive and social emotional profiles of our clients. It is important to note that this article is written by a white person who is still engaging with the work of fully understanding her own privilege and dissecting her lived experience as a white, able-bodied, cis-gendered person.  

Talking about the depth and nuances of race and privilege with children (and other adults really) is a challenge. Talking about the depth and nuances of race and privilege with children who tend to be literal, concrete thinkers (as many of our clients are) is an even bigger challenge.

For our clients in particular, we have noticed that many children benefit greatly from hearing information multiple times and delivered in more than one medium. In relation to gym activities, this often presents as:

  • Giving the directions for how the game is played both via a fictional story (which makes it digestible, fun and engaging) and by plainly stating the game rules
  • Emphasizing important directions by saying them more than once
  • Having part or all of the activity set up during directions so that children can see the physical space and identify various important physical aspects of the game
  • Allowing time for the children to ask questions 
  • Counselors often ask questions in order to have children repeat directions back in their own words

In relation to conversations about race and privilege, you might find that your child needs the same information or idea to be repeated more than once.  This might mean having a conversation about a particular concept and then also reading a couple of developmentally appropriate books together (see resource list at the end of the article for some suggestions) about it and then perhaps drawing a picture about it. Digesting the same information in various formats can be helpful for children who have slower processing speeds and allows for the material to cater to various learning styles (i.e. auditory, visual, tactile, etc).  Allowing your child the time to ask questions will also be invaluable. This brings up another important piece to make note of. As adults, we often want to have all of the answers and to be right the first time. Going into these conversations with the stated and explicit expectation of not knowing all the answers will be greatly beneficial to all involved. Being able to say "I'm not sure but let's find out together" is a great way of modeling how children can engage with this from a place of openness rather than defensiveness. 

Hope Notaro, M.A., LMHC

Many of the children we work with also have difficulty managing conflict and big feelings. In the context of the gym, it has been helpful to do the following:

  • Previewing of possible pitfalls in the game or areas where the group may struggle. This often involves previewing various feelings that might come up and how children can manage feelings.  
  • Depending on the group, we may take time to problem solve ahead of time or come to an agreement as a group about how we will manage certain conflicts or issues should they arise. The level of counselor provided structure during these conversations will vary depending on the functioning level of the group.

Your child may need to have explicit conversations with you about feelings that might come up for them (and for you!) before you begin to have a conversation about race. You might need to talk about what coping strategies they can use if certain feelings do come up. It could be helpful to develop a script with specific language your child can use to let you know if they need a break from the conversation. As with gym groups, the level of structure and support your child needs during these self-care previewing conversations will depend on their functioning level and ability to access coping skills. It is also important to consider the timing of these conversations. You probably want to find a time where you aren't rushed and when your child is not over tired or already coping with frustration or other big feelings. Ideally, both you and your child would be in a mental space that is relaxed and ready to engage in learning. 

Your child may also have difficulty with perspective taking skills which can add another layer of complexity to this. Many of the children we see have difficulty with theory of mind, which is essentially the clinical term for understanding that other people have thoughts, beliefs, needs and desires that contribute to an understanding of others’ behaviors and lived experiences.

In our setting, we have found it helpful to:

  • Be specific 
  • Use examples where the child tries to imagine themselves on both sides of the situation. When doing this, it can be helpful to reference past incidents where they were on the other side of the interaction that we are currently processing (i.e., if they’re frustrated about being interrupted by a peer we might remind them of a time they got overly excited and interrupted someone.)  

This is a more challenging task when it comes to the question of white (or white-passing) children trying to understand what it might be like to be black or more broadly, to be a black/indigenous/person of color (BIPOC) in America. I think the essential task here is to use the child’s lived experiences to discuss examples of the ways racism is present/active (especially the subtle or covert ways) in our day to day life.  Using real-life examples which are relatable, and include things your child has actually experienced, could be a helpful way of contextualizing this concept for children.   

Engaging in the work of self reflection about race is a long and ongoing process and one that will inevitably involve missteps. For many parents newly addressing this, there is the added layer of first wanting to feel ready and competent enough in the subject matter themselves before attempting to bring it up with their children.  As it was mentioned earlier in this article, learning is an evolving process. Don't let perfection get in the way of progress.  A willingness to make (and own!) mistakes is a vital part of talking to children about race.  We talk quite a bit about the value of owning mistakes at the Academy.  As parents, modeling how children can engage with this topic while allowing for mistakes will also help your child with developing the skills and self-esteem necessary to take responsibility for their words and actions and then make adjustments when needed. On that note, I would also like to say, the Academy is open to and welcomes feedback about this.  Our goal is to support our clients in ways that are meaningful and productive so if you have feedback or resources you'd like to share, please contact us. 

To aid you in the monumental task of addressing this with your children, here is a list of resources aimed specifically at talking to children about race. As always, parents/guardians should preview material before reading it with their child.  

Hope Notaro, M.A., LMHC is a full-time counselor on the Academy MetroWest staff.