Challenging Longstanding Generalizations About Dads

I’ve been a professional counselor for more than 30 years and, for 17 of those years, I’ve also been a dad. During that time, I’ve become familiar with more than one cliché about dads and our purported attitudes about our kids. If you were to hear an unattributed quote along the lines of “There’s nothing wrong with my kid that couldn’t be fixed with a swift kick in the butt,” chances are, you wouldn’t assume that it came from a mom. If you heard a story about a parent who stoically kept their struggles to themselves in a quest to just suck it up and power through, you’d probably assume it’s a dad. As with many clichés, there are elements of truth here. I’ll admit that in my professional life, when I need to talk to a parent about a child I’m working with, moms are usually my first phone call.

But aside from my personal experience raising a child and my professional career running social skills groups for children and adolescents, I also have the good fortune to be in my fifth year as facilitator of a support group for fathers of autistic individuals. In spite of the bad rap that dads (sometimes justifiably) have gotten over the years, I can tell you that the struggles that many attendees of this group have endured, border on the heroic.

In 2019, I ran one or two sessions in-person at AANE’s (Association for Autism and Neurodiversity) state of the art Elsa Abele Training Center before COVID changed everything in March of 2020. The group shifted to a remote platform and, nearly four years later, there it remains. Most months, the majority of our participants sign in from different locations around New England but we do get dads from all over the country and sometimes from all over the world.

The fathers group has been a rewarding experience to me throughout my tenure but it was never more meaningful to me than it was during the height of the pandemic. Initially, AANE brought me on board to be facilitator and, nominally, a child development expert. My role is to keep the conversation flowing, offer new ideas when needed, be supportive, and correct any obvious misinformation. But I’m here to tell you that during the lockdown, there were no experts. No one had ever been through anything like that before and I was groping my way through life with my family just like everyone else in the group was with theirs.

Despite the new variants and COVID surges we still see, I’m hopeful that the days of the lockdown are in our rearview mirror. Having said that, the remote platform for this group continues to serve us well. The group usually meets the last Wednesday evening of each month. It’s billed as an open support group so dads can come once and check it out without worrying about the threat so near and dear to the male heart – needing to make a commitment. Some dads come once and we don’t see them again. But we have a core of “regulars” who have shaped the group culture and have added a collective wisdom to our proceedings that has been invaluable.

I’m certain that my being a father has helped me empathize with group members and gives me a bit of credibility with them, I can’t pretend that I know what it’s like to be the parent of an autistic individual. As a counselor, I’m always trying to see the world through the perspectives of my clients but my own experience as a dad has been vastly different from those of the dads who attend this group. But after all these years of facilitating this group, I think it’s safe to share some of the observations I’ve made:

1) Fathers of autistic individuals often experience a sense of isolation and a sense that no one can comprehend their daily existence. Many dads aren’t “joiners” to the extent that moms are and they’re left feeling like they need to negotiate this challenging role on their own. The sense of relief derived from knowing that there are others in the same boat is one of the most frequently expressed sentiments we hear.

2) Autistic individuals who apply their talents can achieve many things. But it’s important to note that the time frame for these accomplishments is often different than it is for neurotypical kids. Most dads who attend the group will tell you that the range of their kids’ accomplishments and potential are practically limitless.  Parents need to keep an open mind about it. For instance, your autistic child may wind up going to a 4 year college but it might be after they attend college prepor transition program in which they work on their executive function skills, live with a roommate, or learn to do their own laundry.

3) Raising an autistic individual, or anyone with special needs, strains marriages. Not that any marriage is easy, but the challenges unique to raising a child with autism has brought many marriages close to or beyond the breaking point. This topic comes up every month.

4) The more you can learn about autism, the less you wind up finding your child’s behavior to be mysterious or incomprehensible. Lots of dads express frustration with the fact that their spouses have become “walking encyclopedias” about all things related to Autism. I push back on this idea whenever I can. I tell dads that, while they don’t need to amass an encyclopedic knowledge of their kids’ issues, it’s really important to develop a working understanding of it.

5) Both moms and dads live and die for their kids. One of the more frequent, and honestly, heartwarming observations I hear from dads in the group goes along the lines of “I wasn’t planning on having a kid like this. This is nothing like what I envisioned parenthood to be. But as soon as I stopped trying to make my kid conform to the preconceived notion I had and started loving the kid that I actually have, the better my life became. And I really love the kid that I have!”

Most months, our group meets from 7 to 8:30 p.m. EST on the last Wednesday of the month. There are some exceptions to that so make sure to check the AANE website before registering. But if you’re a father of an autistic individual, please consider joining us. It’s just $10 to register and I think you’ll be glad you did.

To learn more about all of AANE’s support groups, go here.